After grabbing my fiancée by the neck and slamming her to the floor, I stumbled around my bedroom fuming mad with feelings of self-righteousness and misunderstanding. The action caused her to run away in complete terror. I recall going in the bathroom looking into the mirror and feeling extremely justified in my actions. Within minutes, a friend who dated my fiancée’s roommate was knocking at the door. I wasn’t quite sure of what his actions would be, but I allowed him to enter. He spoke to me with concern. He had witnessed and discerned the recent internal struggle in my life. The stress of being engaged, starting a new job and graduate school was more than I could emotionally and physically bear. Also, I had been heavily dealing with my spiritual convictions in a non-constructive way. This avoidance and ‘fence-riding’ led to a deeper emotional and spiritual abyss.
After this concerned friend left, I still felt no remorse. After a few hours passed; I was confronted with the reality that this engagement to be married could be no more. That really bothered me for obvious reasons. Despite the abuse I inflicted, I was sincerely in love and committed. After about a day or so, my fiancée and I spoke over the phone about the incident. She was afraid, surprised, and upset. It was obvious that this union was over. I begged, pleaded, and promised to no avail. It was over, rightfully so.
The end literally brought me to my knees because I knew before starting this relationship that God had spoken to me about surrendering my life for His will. This break was the ultimate devastation of my young adult life. It was at this very point that I surrendered my life to God. Disgusted with what I had become, realizing where I was heading, and losing the love of my young life got my attention. I cried out to the Lord repenting and begging.
The ‘I will do this, if You will do this’ plea was verbally applied. I immediately became selfishly and immaturely convinced that God wanted this relationship to work. I was desperate in my attempts to reconcile but failed. Due to the limitations I placed on God, my fears of never experiencing this type of love were consistent and real and further encouraged false hopes. How could I have been so idiotic to think, that those actions would have not led to a break-up or even more (prison)? This was the lowest I had (have) ever felt. This self-created environment was agonizing.
I started taking the necessary steps of healing. Things were changing in my life. I and others noticed a difference. When I would give my testimony, people had a hard time connecting me with being an abuser. Throughout this entire process, I remained hopeful that I would be given a second chance from the woman I was once engaged. This opportunity never came. For several years, it was very difficult for me to accept the consequences of my sins. My hopes for another shot at a healthy relationship were bleak.
There are times in life, when we all feel completely defeated and hopeless. Contrary to how we feel and what we see, we must remember, ‘God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him’ (Hebrews 11:6). Despite the shortcomings in life, ‘we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose’ (Romans 8:28). What may seem as God’s best may not be His best for you. No matter how insignificant or significant, reflection is mandated in seeing the goodness of the Lord in a believer’s life. You must first truly believe in God’s word for these promises to be impactful. Believing in God’s word will allow the Bible to be the final authority in your thinking and actions (John 14:15). This will lead to a peaceful and harmonious life.
The moral of my story: I being terrible and deceitful in my acts repented by choosing a different Path. I made a mess of a promising relationship, and then endured a season of grief. I asked the Lord to change my heart and help me become what He needed me to be. In seeking Him my mind is being made ‘right’. This makes it easier to identify His treasures. One fortune was a good wife for me. In performing my past acts, did (do) I deserve these gifts? I did not; however, God has rewarded me. The same can happen to you as it did me. God can meet and exceed your needs and reasonable wants.
My plea is for you to surrender. Life is mostly made complicated by our decision making; however, this does not have to be so. Being in accord with God, helps simplify living. Do not allow your sins to deeply affect a love one before you ‘fall to you knees’. The thought process behind ‘God getting your attention’ is not biblical by any means. It is not necessary for you to reach such spiritual depth before you give your will to God. He can turn your life around this very moment, but you first must decide to allow the change of your heart.
If you have read my past blogs, you know my purpose is pointing you toward Jesus Christ. There is no ulterior motive in my actions. Your salvation and faith in a righteous God and Savior is my goal. I’m trying to help you see the Light in this dark world. Do not be deceived by religion without Jesus Christ. This will lead you to heartache, misery, confusion, and pain. God has made a way; so accept it, begin your real life, and be prosperous and blessed.
If you would like to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, please click on the link below.
http://www.cbn.com/stepstopeace/index.aspx
